Why Men Can't Aim While Urinating!

Men love to kick the football between the goalposts, aim their gun at the bull’s eye, pitch the baseball in the strike zone, swoosh the basketball into the basket without touching the rim or backboard, and, of course, score on Friday night. But can they aim their Adonic penis while urinating so it will go between the porcelain goalposts of the restroom urinal without spraying the restroom floor?

It’s time men raised the bar on their own game.

Part of the problem is the sports attitude toward winning rather than how you play the game. For some boy-men, a public restroom is someone else’s responsibility to clean, so why should they care if they leave a mess behind? It’s time these boys became men and learned how to handle and aim their cupid’s arrow, single-barreled pump-action bollock, heat-seeking moisture missile, or Grabthar’s hammer.

There are three kinds of men: the ones who learn by reading, the few who learn by observation, and the rest of them who have to pee on the electric fence for themselves. Will Rogers

Let’s look first at the type of guy who learns by peeing on the electric fence.

When a man needs to urinate badly and rushes into a public restroom, he heads for the urinal first, because he has no time for a toilet stall. Hopefully, his zipper won’t be stuck when he desperately tries unzipping it before he pisses in his pants. This man is not relaxed, because the more urgently he must pee, the less he can control his peeing.

Trying to look cool so no one notices, he desperately attempts to pull his underwear out of the way so he can handle the angle of the dangle of he who must be obeyed. It’s sort of like aiming a pistol without a gun sight because the urine does not necessarily have a straight flow (trajectory) when it blasts off (velocity) from the urethra (muzzle crown). Unfortunately, it is also possible for the urethra to emit a double/split stream, and this means, at least now, that he might be able to aim one of the streams correctly—that is, if he cares to.

A boy-man’s reality of a public restroom is that he doesn’t have to clean up his mess or listen to his girlfriend/mother/sister/wife/ daughter about what a piggy he is.

If this boy-man is not focused, distractions like looking at the guy peeing next to him, reading graffiti, not having a firm grip on his fire hose, or most likely thinking of his girlfriend or wife, will break his concentration, and as they say in sports, “He takes his eye off the ball,” swings his bat, and misses.

Once the urine stream is established, the man can take corrective measures by positioning his spitting cobra and aiming dead center. Unfortunately, the physics of urination is not that simple because the urine stream loses velocity and sputters into uncontrollable short bursts (without Kegel-muscle exercises), and then his Ivan the Terrible drips and drops unexpectedly, leaving a trail of urine tears around him. Typically, when the boy-man finishes urinating, he shakes it, thinking it will help get rid of the drops still dripping.

This is the main reason floors around urinals and toilets are wet. This dying stream of urine is difficult to stop once it reaches the dripping phase. That is why he is shaking his spanky, which causes drops to fly around. Then, when the man goes and puts his lap lizard back in its habitat nest, it leaks a few more drops on the floor, his leg, and/or in his underwear.

You would think that a boy-man would aim more accurately when using a toilet stall to help focus, removing distractions. Unfortunately, this man-boy is afraid to lift the seat before he urinates, and the rest is “is Pisstory” (not in the Oxford Dictionary). I wonder if there is a common human gene for this behavior, since women exhibit it too.

I may seem harsh in my analysis, but let’s give this boy-man some credit; he is at least smart enough to know that when he stands before the greatest invention of modern man, he needs to shake his Rumpleforeskin sideways because if he shakes it up and down, he may get urine on his shoes, pants, and face.

Rogers’ second type of man learns by observation. This man learned from pissing on an electric fence a few (thousand) times, and now he has finally decided it’s time to take responsibility for his actions and behave like an educated man, instead of a boy whose mommy has always excused his actions by saying, “It’s not his fault. It’s God’s design.”

Today, this man might leave for the restroom sooner than he needs to because he doesn’t want to deal with a high-pressure, demanding knob goblin that’s ready to explode. He refuses to be desperate and needy. Instead, he has his game face on. Feeling in control and relaxed, he steps forward with his eye on the prize to leave no trace behind.

He’s now had time to position the dangle at the correct angle so that the trajectory will be at least within the goalposts of the urinal. He is also ready to make slight corrections with the first gusts of the urine stream. He adjusts his aim accordingly. He has also learned not just to aim for dead center, but to adjust the urine stream so the ricocheting spray is minimized and contained within the porcelain goalposts, rather than back splashing on him or the floor. He has learned how to do it. He wears his game face, doesn’t think of the cheerleaders, keeps his eye on the ball, does his business, scores, and is victorious.

If and when he encounters a double/split stream of urine, he gently squeezes and twists the tip of his one-eyed trouser Trout, opening the urethra so there is only one stream. When this urine stream starts to lose its velocity, he has learned to lean in a little closer to the urinal so the dribble will not land on his shoes or splatter on the floor. He then adjusts the foreskin back on his uncircumcised hairy Houdini.

He’s proud that, after all these years of being an amateur, he’s now a professional man-pisser. He has learned from his previous mistakes, which trashed the toilets and urinals in public restrooms, leaving the resulting mess for others to clean up. He doesn’t let the dog loose in the garden anymore.

Today, this boy became a man because he cares more about how the game is played than just about winning. His game is on the mark, and thus, if a sudden dribble bursts into a spitting, streaming, steaming urine flow, his Excalibur joystick is still aimed precisely where he’s focused.

He takes a little longer to finish because he uses his Kegel muscles (Mayo Clinic exercises) to control his urinary incontinence, and he can place his tamed Cock-a-saurus Rex back into his pants without urine dripping on his legs, shoes, or the floor.

As for Will Rogers’ third type of man, “The one who learns by reading,” well, if you are this person, dear Reader, then remember this: put your game face on as you step over the threshold of the public restroom doorway. Eyes wide open, you are ready to do battle and know that your willfully focused mind and the uncooperative spitting cobra ready to attack is the “Game.”

This professional man-pisser has developed a Samurai spirit, which is to fight and defeat the invisible world of pathogens within the Spartan arena of the public restroom zone.